2015-05-07 12.27.47

A few months ago, I shared with my family and close friends that I was going back to school.

This had been on my heart for a long time, years actually. But, I couldn’t figure out what I was going back to school to accomplish. I could never decide on an area of study, and had no clearly defined goals for such a huge undertaking as dragging my grown ass back to college. In more recent years, I began to see the writing on the wall.

I saw tediously detailed goals. I saw a specific field to study. I saw clear images of job prospects. I saw people and places and heard songs. The problem was, I didn’t particularly or immediately agree with what I was seeing.

I decided my brain and my heart were confused. I decided the universe was drunk and needed to go home.

These goals were regal. They were breathed by the spirit of all of us, the interconnected love that wakes us and carries us and puts us to sleep at night. The images I saw were painted by the masters and set up for the most humble of us to appreciate. These goals were magical. They were beautiful.

And I was certainly the wrong person for them. We were ill-fitted. A mismatched pair.

I got pretty good, or so I thought, of ignoring this loud and annoying – yet gracious and sweet- voice that was telling me the exact steps to take in order to have the life I dreamed of having.

When I told my family and friends that I was applying for a master’s program, I struggled to get the words out loud enough. My throat was tight and I kept reminding myself to breath.

“I’m applying for the Masters of Divinity program at Lancaster Theological Seminary.”

It’s still hard to say out loud. But I’m here to share that I’ve completed the application and I’m putting it in the mail today.

One step at a time.

I shared this as a ‘dare’ to myself in an online group of women who have amazed and inspired me. One said I should celebrate every step of the way, regardless of any outcome. And I liked that advise, so today I will #celebrate. And then wait.

Fighting against untruths is always hard, it’s painful and just not always fun. Fighting against the untruths we tell ourselves is a whole other beast.

Agere Contra, friends